"Shadow" The First blog I ever wrote about what I was going through. Written Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'm clear for the moment but I don't know how long it will last and don't know what to write......

My mind is being affected by whatever it is that is causing me all this pain (the doctors still don't know what it is). I'm not as clear as I used to be. It's like being trapped inside your own body. The person you used to be is there inside this pain racked flesh and try's to speak out of my mouth but can't because of malfunctioning misfiring synapses, thoughts freezing like an out of date computer while I'm in mid sentence. I'd try to describe it further but I'm loosing my words even now.

I try to laugh about it....seeing how I'm now on equal footing with my aunts and uncles....all of us trying to remember what something is called, sitting in silence until we all look at each others silent faces and start laughing, but part of me feels their worries through side glances and forced smiles.

I feel lost, isolated from my friends.

Most don't understand, and I can't explain it any better then I have. It's something you have to experience. Some are annoyed...cause I can't hang out, or cause I don't call. They don't understand that I don't have a choice.
I don't call cause the words aren't really mine....
I don't hang because I'm not really there.....
They belong to this shadow, echo, the one who can't spell, who stops speaking in mid sentence cause she can't find the right word, the one who can't walk up a flight of steps without the pain making her knees give way or the one who can't be hugged hard cause the pain will linger for hours.
I don't want them to see that cause if they do then it becomes real. I can take the worried glances from family but I don't think I can take it from my friends.

So I fake it....
I try to walk without a limp though it hurts more, I make jokes when I incorrectly say a word or forget one, I smile and I don't talk about it....all so they don't see my shadow........