The Day After Tomorrow...

This is gonna be a short blog since I'm a bit too tired to write.
Since I got back from Cancun I haven't been the same.

I was hoping it was just another flare up but if it is...it's the longest one I've ever had.
Mom thinks it's just that since getting back I haven't had a moment to rest.
Between the cold weather, getting sick, the tests in class, the holidays, and the new guy in my life, things haven't exactly gone back to normal.

I had plans to meet up with friends I hadn't seen in ages, help other friends move, and just enjoy myself, but instead I feel like I've taken a giant step backward, and unfortunately it got worse after thanksgiving.

For instance this weekend I seem to have over booked myself.
Friday I told my cousin to come over cause he needed to talk and he never asks to talk so I know it's something important, plus I was also planning to see my new "guy friend" (whom I call a "guy friend" cause we're not really dating but we're more then friends) in a setting that's not class related since we really haven't had an opportunity to do that yet.
On Saturday I was gonna see an old friend I hadn't seen in over 2 years, and then that night head to dinner with my family.
Then finally on Sunday I was gonna head to my friends new apartment, see if they needed any help with unpacking, and just hang cause I hadn't seen her in awhile.

If I was feeling more like myself, this list of stuff wouldn't bother me, but I'm not myself and I'm beating myself up because I have to cancel most if not all the tings I have planned.
I'm gonna call both my friends and see if I can't re-schedule for the following weekend or after classes finish for the semester on December 8th. I might back out of the family dinner, if I'm not a little stronger by Friday, and I may even have to see my cousin and my "guy friend" another day.

I just feel so frustrated!!
Even my teachers can see I'm not myself. So far I've gone to two classes this week and I've been zonked through both of them. I took a test in science with a migraine, and today I had trouble grasping the math problems to the point of switching around numbers and the meaning in sentences, getting the answers completely wrong. Tomorrow is my reading a writing class and I'm praying that we don't get an timed essay cause otherwise I'm screwed...

I keep expecting to wake up in the morning and have my strength back. I keep hoping that if I go to bed, the next day I'll be fine and back to my "Abby Normal" self...;)
I really hope this month long break we're getting between semesters will help me recover from whatever is going on, because if this isn't a flareup there's only one other thing it could be, and I don't even want to type it for fear that I'll make it reality...

All I got left at this point is hope...hope for the day after tomorrow...(like how I tied it all in...lol)

(Photos: 1st by sissygirl_06 2nd by taminator327. From Photobucket and directly linked)

I Wanna Gnaw My Leg Off!!!

Once again...I'm stuck waiting for another flareup to move through before I can get back to my routine again and it's driving me fucking BatShit crazy!!!

I don't want to stop exercising, stop moving forward, stop getting my life back, but every once in awhile I don't have a choice, I have to be still.
If I kept moving, the way my mind is screaming at me to do, I could hurt everything I've worked so hard for, I could end up doing more damage then good and end up being immobile for much much longer. I know right now I need to let my body recover and that this feeling of pain and exhaustion is just temporary. But instead I feel trapped, throwing logic at myself to keep me calm, but like a wolf with it's leg caught in a trap, all I can think about is gnawing it off.

Though my body is still, my mind is wide awake, telling me all the things I need to do, whispering all the fears that have been lurking in the back of my mind just waiting for me to be still enough to hear them.
I know I worry too much, and think too much about things, but I don't know how to change that other then to get a new brain, and the last time I checked, Dr. Frankenstein doesn't live next door.
So I focus on priorities which helps me to see things more clearly, and keeps me occupied just long enough for me to get through the time delay, and before I know it, I'll be back on track.

But it's the wait....

The incessant ticking of the damn clock while I do nothing.... That's what's making me nuts!
I've learned to deal with much in my few 29 years on this earth, probably more then most people will ever know, but having to sit back and feel useless is one of those things I haven't mastered yet.

But much like all things...this too shall end, and I'll be working on getting my life back in no time...

(photo By skyysdalmt, provided by Photobucket, and directly linked)

Stupid Fibro Flareups.... :-(

So for the last 2 weeks I've felt physically drained and achy.
Can't sleep at night, and when I do it's never restful. I feel physically, mentally, emotionally, tired, and have been dealing with a constant headache for days.

Sounds familiar, but it took someone else to help point out why....

They are all symptoms of Fibromyalgia. Symptoms I haven't had in Months, but less severe. In other words I've had my first Fibromyalgia Flareup.

Granted, these symptoms are nowhere near what I was dealing with pre-Savella, but everything I feel from the fatigue, to the pain and headaches are like echoes, painful reminders that this syndrome is a life sentence.

So...after finally realizing What I was dealing with, I was determined to find the Why, and if this could be prevented in the future.

Low and behold the moment I started looking back, the pieces started coming together.

Last month was a very active month for me. In fact the most active month I've had in 2 years.
Between the snow storms, going to the opera, starting my exercise program, fully dating someone, getting the flu, my fathers emotional visit, breaking up, and running around trying to find a bridesmaids dress, not only was I very physically active, I was also going through a lot of emotional ups and downs. Half of that is enough to send anybody into a crash let alone someone who's suffering from Fibromyalgia...lol

So...The lesson here is, not to forget what I'm recovering from and not to run before I walk.
Somethings we have control over, but most things we don't. This can very easily happen again if I don't pay attention to how much I'm doing physically, or to the way emotional events affect my body...
In a nut shell, I need to pay more attention to how I'm living my life...

This flareup was a wake up call...
Hopefully I wont need another one...