The Day After Tomorrow...

This is gonna be a short blog since I'm a bit too tired to write.
Since I got back from Cancun I haven't been the same.

I was hoping it was just another flare up but if it is...it's the longest one I've ever had.
Mom thinks it's just that since getting back I haven't had a moment to rest.
Between the cold weather, getting sick, the tests in class, the holidays, and the new guy in my life, things haven't exactly gone back to normal.

I had plans to meet up with friends I hadn't seen in ages, help other friends move, and just enjoy myself, but instead I feel like I've taken a giant step backward, and unfortunately it got worse after thanksgiving.

For instance this weekend I seem to have over booked myself.
Friday I told my cousin to come over cause he needed to talk and he never asks to talk so I know it's something important, plus I was also planning to see my new "guy friend" (whom I call a "guy friend" cause we're not really dating but we're more then friends) in a setting that's not class related since we really haven't had an opportunity to do that yet.
On Saturday I was gonna see an old friend I hadn't seen in over 2 years, and then that night head to dinner with my family.
Then finally on Sunday I was gonna head to my friends new apartment, see if they needed any help with unpacking, and just hang cause I hadn't seen her in awhile.

If I was feeling more like myself, this list of stuff wouldn't bother me, but I'm not myself and I'm beating myself up because I have to cancel most if not all the tings I have planned.
I'm gonna call both my friends and see if I can't re-schedule for the following weekend or after classes finish for the semester on December 8th. I might back out of the family dinner, if I'm not a little stronger by Friday, and I may even have to see my cousin and my "guy friend" another day.

I just feel so frustrated!!
Even my teachers can see I'm not myself. So far I've gone to two classes this week and I've been zonked through both of them. I took a test in science with a migraine, and today I had trouble grasping the math problems to the point of switching around numbers and the meaning in sentences, getting the answers completely wrong. Tomorrow is my reading a writing class and I'm praying that we don't get an timed essay cause otherwise I'm screwed...

I keep expecting to wake up in the morning and have my strength back. I keep hoping that if I go to bed, the next day I'll be fine and back to my "Abby Normal" self...;)
I really hope this month long break we're getting between semesters will help me recover from whatever is going on, because if this isn't a flareup there's only one other thing it could be, and I don't even want to type it for fear that I'll make it reality...

All I got left at this point is hope...hope for the day after tomorrow...(like how I tied it all in...lol)

(Photos: 1st by sissygirl_06 2nd by taminator327. From Photobucket and directly linked)

Fucking Pharmacy!

Let me get straight to the point. I had my first experience of withdrawal from Savella...

The end of August was madness for me as I've written in my other blog, so I forgot to inform the pharmacy that I was going to be needing my refill. By the time I did remember, it was Saturday, I had one pill left, and pharmacist I usually deal with wasn't there. To add insult to injury, the asshole who was covering her wasn't polite about pointing out how I should have called earlier and that there was nothing they could do.
So I was stuck without my medication until Monday.

But how is it I have to tell them I need a refill so they can order it?
One of the symptoms of this disorder is memory problems, and they want me to remember to remind them?...
Plus shouldn't it be in stock?
They know I pick up my medication without fail, they should know that I need to take this medication regularly, that it can't just be stopped, and that I most likely will be taking it for the rest of my life, so why can't they just order the medication ahead of time instead of me having to remind them to do it...
I should be getting paid, cause from the looks of things, I'm doing there fucking job for them!

Ohh!!!! It get's me soo MAD!!...but I digress....

You have to understand, Savella is not a medication you can just stop taking. You have to build up to a dose and taper off. You can't go cold turkey because it would wreck havoc with the chemicals in the brain.
I called another Pharmacy and the person I spoke to still couldn't help, but at least he was polite, explained why he couldn't help and what my options were.
Since I now have medicaid, prescriptions are no longer allowed to be transferred from one pharmacy to another. Wherever I handed in the prescription is where I have to pick up the medication.
He also told me to take my last pill and cut it in half.
That way instead of going without the medication all together on Sunday, I can do a half a dose Saturday and half Sunday to try to keep me somewhat level.
This is all information that the pharmacist at my place SHOULD have told me, but I guess that guy couldn't give less of a shit.
So I did what he said and began my weekend without my life line.

I didn't know what to expect.
I was hoping that maybe I didn't need it anymore, that I'll be fine without it, but that dream didn't last two seconds before it was dashed against the rocks.
I swear, half way through Saturday I felt different.
My head  and neck started to hurt, I started to get stiff, I couldn't sleep, and by Sunday I was sore all over, and couldn't sit in one position for more then a minuet.

Can we say Deja Vu...

I knew this medication worked fast but not that fast.
I thought maybe it was in my head, but I was feeling it without even thinking about it. In fact I didn't even notice until I realized I kept shifting my position in my chair every few minuets. When I first started the medication it took a week for me to start to feel better, but it only took 24 hours for me to be trapped back in my own personal hell?
I thought maybe it was the withdrawal, but most of the symptoms were almost exactly as I remembered them.

I got my meds back on Monday, but the damage had already been done. It's been almost 2 weeks now since that weekend and I'm still not 100%, but at least everyday it gets better.

Hopefully I wont have to go through that again, but I know one day I'll have to try, just so I can see if I can have a life without being on meds, but after this little event, that wont be any day soon....

(Photo courtesy of Photobucket)

Hope on the Horizon...

I couldn't agree more with the picture on the right, but I am beginning to waver in my conviction.

On the 9th I saw my new "Health First Approved" general practitioner, and I'm surprisingly optimistic about the future.

The office is located in a hospital, so as one would expect, it was very busy. Full of people who have landed on hard times for one reason or another, mostly lower middle class people of ethnic backgrounds or elderly. Basically hardworking people who can't afford medical insurance on there pittance of a salary. But scattered among the crowd, more then I've ever seen before, were those few who this was a completely new experience, who once had money but now had to rely on government aid.
You could tell who they were because they were the most uncomfortable, the most unhappy about having to be there, and had a tendency to be rather rude.

Though the place was busy the staff were amazing. They moved like a well oiled machine. Everyone knew there job and did there job without complaint, all the while being polite and friendly. But I got to say, the nurses were my favorite part of my visit.
Women who are hard working, experienced, abrupt but friendly, yet don't take any crap.
My kind of nurses.
Maybe not the most professional, especially when the one who calls people to the back makes jokes about if you don't hurry shes gonna leave you behind, but you could tell there was no malice to it.
They took my blood with experienced steady hands, and though I may have felt rushed, I never felt neglected.

As for my new doctor, Dr. Blank, though very business like, and a bit overwhelmed with all the medical info I had to give her, never made me feel like a child, like I was less then or beneath her in class. Doctors have a tendency to display a classic arrogance of position, and not once did I get that from her.
She listened to everything I had to say and spoke to me like I was an intelligent human being, never belittling any of my concerns, and suggesting avenues to move forward with aspects of my health that had yet to be addressed.
When we got to talking about my Fibromyalgia, she never made me feel like she didn't believe me, even suggesting physical therapy which is something I've been trying to get for over 2 years now. She even paid attention to the little things like asking me about my exercise routine, what I'm doing, and giving me some tips and advice to help me with some problems I've been having.

So I hate to say this, cause I'm afraid it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass, but I think I might have found a good doctor. Go figure I had to go through all this shit, all the bad doctors and insurance issues in order to find a doctor that can actually help me.

I'm beginning to feel HOPE bloom in my chest, and it's scaring the shit out if me....lol

(1st photo by IrethWaverly, 2nd photo by girly-girl-graphics, both provided by Photobucket and directly linked)

I Wanna Gnaw My Leg Off!!!

Once again...I'm stuck waiting for another flareup to move through before I can get back to my routine again and it's driving me fucking BatShit crazy!!!

I don't want to stop exercising, stop moving forward, stop getting my life back, but every once in awhile I don't have a choice, I have to be still.
If I kept moving, the way my mind is screaming at me to do, I could hurt everything I've worked so hard for, I could end up doing more damage then good and end up being immobile for much much longer. I know right now I need to let my body recover and that this feeling of pain and exhaustion is just temporary. But instead I feel trapped, throwing logic at myself to keep me calm, but like a wolf with it's leg caught in a trap, all I can think about is gnawing it off.

Though my body is still, my mind is wide awake, telling me all the things I need to do, whispering all the fears that have been lurking in the back of my mind just waiting for me to be still enough to hear them.
I know I worry too much, and think too much about things, but I don't know how to change that other then to get a new brain, and the last time I checked, Dr. Frankenstein doesn't live next door.
So I focus on priorities which helps me to see things more clearly, and keeps me occupied just long enough for me to get through the time delay, and before I know it, I'll be back on track.

But it's the wait....

The incessant ticking of the damn clock while I do nothing.... That's what's making me nuts!
I've learned to deal with much in my few 29 years on this earth, probably more then most people will ever know, but having to sit back and feel useless is one of those things I haven't mastered yet.

But much like all things...this too shall end, and I'll be working on getting my life back in no time...

(photo By skyysdalmt, provided by Photobucket, and directly linked)

Update (Things are Looking Up!...**knock on wood**)

With some help I've found a General Practitioner that takes my Insurance....HURRAY!!

Her name is Dr. Blank (no really...that's her last name...lol) and she works out of the same hospital that my Rheumatologist Dr. Rackoff works out of, so that should help with getting my new doc all my old records.
My appointment is for August 9th but I'm panicking about the appointment. I'm worried she's gonna be one of these idiot doctors that doesn't listen. I'm worried that I'm not gonna remember everything I have to tell her (2 years worth of crap).
Granted I've kept files and notes, making sure to scan all my test results onto my computer for save keeping (yep I'm that organized) but I'm still worried I'll forget something. I need this appointment to go well so I can get the referral I need to go back and see Dr. Rackoff who's been treating me (insurances making me do this), but I also need this appointment to go well for my state of mind.

The Sevella is a GOD send and without it I wouldn't have my life back. It's a struggle every day but thanks to this drug I've been able to get back to a semi normal life. I'm so scared to fall back to where I was. It was like a living death compared to how I'm doing now. I'm not 100% and I my body still reminds me from time to time what my limits are, but right now if I continue to work on getting by body back into working order, I can have a semi-normal life.
That's all I want....a semi-normal life...

(photo thanks to Photobucket and is directly linked)

Medicaid, Heath Plans, Doctors....Oh MY!!!

So since my insurance did a last minuet disappearing act (probably due to some cooked books), I was left with no other choice then Medicaid....

If it hadn't been for my friend Serena (whose blog The Bipolar Bible is an excellent read), I probably would still, as of today, be without insurance....

She showed me that taking government help is nothing to be ashamed of....
She helped me to ask myself honestly why I didn't want to get Medicaid, and after taking a hard look in the mirror, I realized that it was my pride that was holding me back.
Feeling like if I took the help, it meant I had failed somehow. Because of my pride, I was digging a deep hole of dept that was not only pulling me down, but the rest of my family as well, and when I faced that, I knew I had no other choice.

Admitting that I need help is a difficult thing for me to do....
I've always been a loner, keeping my personal life very close to my chest, and if I had a problem, I HAD to fix it myself. But over the years I've learned to let go of my need to control things. The world isn't gonna end if my day doesn't go as planed, or if I need help....

It's funny but having Fibromyalgia has been a blessing in disguise in that it made me have to ask for help whether I liked it or not. I've had to rely on the people around me for help and I had to trust that if I was open about what was going on, that they would understand why I needed that help.
Granted...I lost some people along the way. People I was close to who for whatever reason couldn't be there for me. But they just showed me how truly special the ones who stuck around are.

So now I'm a card carrying Medicaid member, but with that comes some problems....
I've had to go through my Rolodex of doctors to see who takes Medicaid, and guess what...
Most of them don't!
I did however find out that my Rheumatologist takes a Medicaid supplemental insurance called Healthfirst, so I sighed up with them, that way I can continue to see the one doctor who diagnosed and is treating my condition.
But here's the snag....
In order to see her, I have to get a referral from my primary doctor, that I don't have cause my primary doesn't take either Medicaid or Healthfirst...

Woopty Do!!

So now I have to find another primary doctor, make an appointment, catch them up on everything that's been happening to me in the last 2 1/2 years, hope they're not only smart, but quick and can think outside the box, then get a referral, and finally go see my Rheumatologist who I was supposed to see months ago for my followup visit...

At this point...I have yet to find a good Primary doctor...

Can Laughter truly be the Best Medicine?

So...I'm having a "Fibro Crisis", what I affectionately call a "Fibro Cluster Fuck!" and it's really beginning to piss me off...
But I'm using that anger to my advantage....

I'm dealing with all my old symptoms of pain, fatigue, short term memory issues, but I'm still moving, just not as fast as I would like.
I'm walking at least 20 mins, every other day, but I've also added weight training, floor exercises, and some yoga moves to my routine.
It's interesting but I seem to burn more calories walking and weight training then I did with just alternate running.

Because of my stupid pain, I finally conceded and asked my mother to be my personal trainer, but to my happy surprise, she is really good at it!
She knows what she's doing from both a personal and a professional aspect, she's good at inspiring me to push myself, and yet she knows when to stop me from hurting myself. The only chink in this perfect scenario is that she either makes me laugh, or I end up making her laugh. Especially when shes trying to get me into a embarrassing yoga pose.

It reminds me of when I was being trained at Baily's by my personal trainer Konstantin.
Every training session was intense, but we always had moments of hysterical laughter that made all the exhaustion worth it at the end of the day.
One of my favorite moments was when he had me working with the medicine ball and this guy came into the room wearing very tiny shorts. Not an unusual sight in a gym, especially one downtown, so we didn't think anything of it, that was until he decided to do floor stretches and his left Nut popped out of his shorts.
Both my trainer and I saw it at the same time, and we died...
The guy was totally oblivious both to the fact that he was getting a full frontal breeze and that we had seen it. After the guy left the room and we had composed ourselves enough to get back to work, the rest of the training session became one long joke... "don't let that ball slip", "you want the blue ball?", "Stop playing with your balls", "you don't want to let your ball hang too low" and after every ball joke we would giggle like stupid little girls...lol...but it was the best session I ever had...

So if what the doctors say are true, and laughter is good for your body, strengthens your muscles, and helps you burns extra calories, then I'm on my way to excellent health...lol