In this blog/rant I had what's commonly called an "emotional outburst" after a friend asked me about a recent doctors visit.
In my family, my rants are called "Fuck Rants" because I have the tendency to use that key word to an obscene amount. Especially if I'm already emotionally aggravated.
It was left on her page as a very long comment and I turned it into a blog.
How things evolve...
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"Wait and see"....
That's all they keep saying..... wait and see.
Like my fucking pain is going to magically disappear.
I understand them not wanting to diagnose me if they don't know what the cause is, but at least they could have helped me with the pain earlier.
Only a few days ago my doc finally saw how bad off I was and prescribed me something to help with the pain.
8 fucking months of me saying "Hay...Um don't mean to bug ya but I'm in a fuck lode of pain". But now when they can actually see me barely able to hobble into there damn office is when they do something about it.
Fuck Um!!!!!
Oh... and the cherry on this Shit cake is that the pain pills they prescribed are usually given to people that suffer from Fibromyalgia. The same fucking thing I was sure I was suffering from 6 months ago but that the docs are only figuring out now.
I fucking found it on the web for fuck sake!!!!
I went to a respected medical web sight, put in my symptoms and POOF there it was.
Don't they have the Internet!!!!
Even if it's not the exact diagnosis, it could lead them in the right direction. Fuck!! It could lead them in any direction instead of having me just sit here in pain.
Maybe then I wouldn't have had to wait 8 months for someone to give me these pills, or to set up a freaking MRI.
Maybe then I wouldn't have had to be tortured with the constant pain and lack of sleep, unable to even leave my home or be held cause of the pain it would cause.
I was being bounced back and forth from doctor to doctor like a helpless ball in a pin ball machine.
Yet they're still waiting to see what happens.........
I'll give ya a quote from a movie:
"Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream..."
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Added note:
In the 8 months that I have been suffering, each doctor has only drawn bloods for tests. I've seen 4 different doctors, have had enough blood drawn from me to create an army of 5 foot clones, but to no result. Though I clearly stated to all of them that the pain was severe and that it started in the back of my head and neck, down my spine, then spread to the rest of my body, only now are they sending me for and MRI and a EMG.
On a more positive side, the pills are beginning to help with the pain which gives me hope that this is the right course and that's why I even have the energy to bitch....lol.....=)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
"Shadow" The First blog I ever wrote about what I was going through. Written Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I'm clear for the moment but I don't know how long it will last and don't know what to write......
My mind is being affected by whatever it is that is causing me all this pain (the doctors still don't know what it is). I'm not as clear as I used to be. It's like being trapped inside your own body. The person you used to be is there inside this pain racked flesh and try's to speak out of my mouth but can't because of malfunctioning misfiring synapses, thoughts freezing like an out of date computer while I'm in mid sentence. I'd try to describe it further but I'm loosing my words even now.
I try to laugh about it....seeing how I'm now on equal footing with my aunts and uncles....all of us trying to remember what something is called, sitting in silence until we all look at each others silent faces and start laughing, but part of me feels their worries through side glances and forced smiles.
I feel lost, isolated from my friends.
Most don't understand, and I can't explain it any better then I have. It's something you have to experience. Some are annoyed...cause I can't hang out, or cause I don't call. They don't understand that I don't have a choice.
I don't call cause the words aren't really mine....
I don't hang because I'm not really there.....
They belong to this shadow, echo, the one who can't spell, who stops speaking in mid sentence cause she can't find the right word, the one who can't walk up a flight of steps without the pain making her knees give way or the one who can't be hugged hard cause the pain will linger for hours.
I don't want them to see that cause if they do then it becomes real. I can take the worried glances from family but I don't think I can take it from my friends.
So I fake it....
I try to walk without a limp though it hurts more, I make jokes when I incorrectly say a word or forget one, I smile and I don't talk about it....all so they don't see my shadow........
My mind is being affected by whatever it is that is causing me all this pain (the doctors still don't know what it is). I'm not as clear as I used to be. It's like being trapped inside your own body. The person you used to be is there inside this pain racked flesh and try's to speak out of my mouth but can't because of malfunctioning misfiring synapses, thoughts freezing like an out of date computer while I'm in mid sentence. I'd try to describe it further but I'm loosing my words even now.
I try to laugh about it....seeing how I'm now on equal footing with my aunts and uncles....all of us trying to remember what something is called, sitting in silence until we all look at each others silent faces and start laughing, but part of me feels their worries through side glances and forced smiles.
I feel lost, isolated from my friends.
Most don't understand, and I can't explain it any better then I have. It's something you have to experience. Some are annoyed...cause I can't hang out, or cause I don't call. They don't understand that I don't have a choice.
I don't call cause the words aren't really mine....
I don't hang because I'm not really there.....
They belong to this shadow, echo, the one who can't spell, who stops speaking in mid sentence cause she can't find the right word, the one who can't walk up a flight of steps without the pain making her knees give way or the one who can't be hugged hard cause the pain will linger for hours.
I don't want them to see that cause if they do then it becomes real. I can take the worried glances from family but I don't think I can take it from my friends.
So I fake it....
I try to walk without a limp though it hurts more, I make jokes when I incorrectly say a word or forget one, I smile and I don't talk about it....all so they don't see my shadow........
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