So...who would have thought blue fingers would have been a warning...Ha!
Obviously I didn't... which is why I was so surprised when I realized my Fibromyalgia symptoms had made a return.
Granted...it was slow in showing itself.
I had been more tired lately, not wanting to exercise, but I figured that was just because I was bored with my exercise routine and because I wasn't sleeping.
Then there was the coldness.
I was freezing all the time, even when it was in the 70's. So cold, that finally my fingernails started to turn blue, but still I didn't think Fibro.
The aches and pains I felt I assumed were the results of the exercise, or of being cold so often...
Red flag... after fucking red flag... creeping up on me the same way it had over 2 years ago...
but what do you think made me finally realize what was going on...
I went to take a shower, and when I went to wash my hair, I couldn't hold up my arms but for a min....
Doesn't seem like much right?... but for me it's big...
When my Fibromyalgia got real bad, one of the things that I could no longer do was take long showers. Between the dizzy spells and the exhaustion, it wasn't safe. So my showers were reduced to the most basic of showers, clean the important bits and get out. But if I wanted to wash my hair, it became an ordeal.
I either had to let my mother do it, or while in the shower, I'd have to sit down in the tub (to avoid falling), and slowly wash/condition my hair for 30 minutes, taking breaks in between to get my strength back.
Actually one of the reasons I cut off most of my hair last year was to make it easier and quicker to wash. I just couldn't take it anymore.
It felt like my independence had been taken away from me. The place I used to go to unwind and relax became a place of stress, fear, and exhaustion.
Dizzy spells while standing in an old school Cast Iron Clawfoot tub is no joke!
So you can imagine, when I realized I was too tired to wash my hair, I just broke down....
In that moment everything clicked into place...this was no flare up and I knew it....
How could I not break down...I was scared!...
Scared that it was back for good...
Scared that my life was going to go back to the way it was, which wasn't much of a life.
Scared of the pain, and having to re-adjust to a life of constant pain again.
When I told my mother, she wasn't at all surprised. She had seen the signs even though I hadn't, and knew what was coming. As I cried, she reminded me that this has been known happen with Fibromyalgia patients, that this is just a temporary setback, and she reminded me of all the stuff I had read about having a Fibro Crisis. We talked about what I was worried about, what I feared, and the reality of what we need to do to get me back on my feet again.
She basically talked me back to a place sanity and clarity...and I don't know sometimes what I'd do without her...
So...The war rages on, but unlike before, I know the nature of the monster before me, and I know he can be beaten. I made sure to enjoy my moment of freedom, because I knew, deep down, this would happen again, so I regret nothing.
Standing up, I braid back my hair, hang the warriors feather around my neck, and I once again reach for my sword. Smiling wryly to myself I think "Bring it on Bitches!!" the battle begins again....
ROUND 2!!
